i jhust puked up my retainher.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
