dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
