Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
