you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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