I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
