He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
