True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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