wanna go halves on a baby?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
