she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
