Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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