i was born a porn star she said
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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