My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
