Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
