he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
