you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
