I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
