I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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