god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
