my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
