I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Randomize
