I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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