Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
