dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
