I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
