i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
