when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
