ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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