The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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