I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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