i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
