she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize