I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
