They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
