So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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