i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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