ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
