The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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