dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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