i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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