you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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