the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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