Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize