Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
