I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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