I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
