so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
