I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
