I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
