I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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