I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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