sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
