We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
