so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
