just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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