Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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