She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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