I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
the liver wants what the liver wants
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
