if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
