plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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